Thursday 29 October 2009

Keeping the Love Alive Even When You're Apart

Long Distance Relationship - Will it work?

Yes. Definitely.
But it takes bloody work.

If other couples only have to survive short periods of being apart - just a few weeks or months because one has to be away for a business trip maybe - ours on the other hand are in a long distance setup right from the start.

Oh yes you heard, uhh read that right. Unconventional? True.

But we have managed. In fact we just celebrated our 3rd year of being Us on Saturday and of course as you may well be aware of (if you have no idea, how can that be when the title of the blog blatantly suggests it?) that we’re getting married. Just 61 days until our wedding! And finally after that we will never be "long distance” anymore. Thank God!

So we consider ourselves experts and here are some tips that truly helped our long distance relationship thrive.

  • Know where it is going.
Before going into a long distance relationship (LDR) you must discuss, be clear of where it is going and when it’s gonna stop.

You must have a goal in mind that at some point you will have to be together physically and enjoy a normal relationship. It should be realistic and achievable. Remind yourself and your partner frequently as possible of the goal you two are working towards. This will motivate you to really make it work.

(Image lifted from
  • Trust your partner. Period.
Most LDRs don’t survive because of jealousy.

Just because you’re in an LDR your lives should not pause.

Allow your partner to go out, socialize with his friends. Let him enjoy his life.

When you’re miles away from each other what’s the point of worrying if he is cheating or not? That will just add more wrinkles to your face.  Besides if he’s really a cheat, he will always find ways even if you’re living under the same roof.

Trust that you have chosen well - a good and honourable man.

Still finding it hard not to listen to those tiny whispers of suspicions in your mind? Maybe it’s not because you don’t trust him. Maybe you’re just insecure...

An insecure person is always doubtful of her partner’s faithfulness.  No matter what her guy does to reassure her of his loyalty, she may nod but deep inside she harbours the thought that he’s lying. If you’re like that and you are going into or already in an LDR, please stop. You are only making yourself miserable and that poison will eventually leak and kill the relationship.

An LDR setup is more tasteless to men than to women. They need, desire physical intimacy more than we do. So for him to agree into an LDR with you simply means he is so into you. So straighten up your spine. He wants You.
  • Be open. Communicate.
Men have a hard time to open up. They are not vocal about their feelings.

We ladies on the other hand are naturally chatty. So we should make the first move.

Tell him of what you’ve been up to, where you’ve been and people you have met.  Be transparent with your day-to-day activities even if they’re just mundane or trivial. Tell him of your plans, dreams and aspirations. Ask for his opinions about matters that have recently occupied your thoughts.

Be honest. If you suffer bouts of loneliness (which is normal because otherwise you should be alarmed if you don’t miss him at all!), then tell him. Don’t pretend that it is all okay. Share your feelings about the separation. This will give you the opportunity to comfort and reassure each other.

When you talk about your resentment about the separation, be sure that you don’t appear like blaming him. Just like you, remember he is having a hard time.
  • Communicate in some way, every day.
Oh yes everyday. Many times a day if possible.

Take advantage of the available technologies. Email, Skype, chat. Set up webcams so you can arrange video calls and see each other.

VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) calls are way cheaper than regular phone (landline or mobile) calls. Skype to Skype calls are free. Skype to Philippines (mobile) from Europe is € 0.232 ($0.341) per minute VAT inc. Skype to Philippines (landline) from Europe is cheaper, € 0.185 ($0.272) per minute. Text is £0.062 ($0.102) per message. (Discount international phone calls with Skype)

Yahoo Voice is cheaper than Skype but the quality most of the time is flaky. Yahoo Voice calls to Philippines (mobile) is $0.199 per minute. Landline is $0.159 per minute. (Yahoo! Voice call rates)

You can also create an account on Chikka to send free text messages to mobile phones from your PC.
  • Visit each other often.
You need to rekindle your relationship up close and personal as often as your budget allows. Set up some rules about frequency of visits and stick to them because consistency will help an LDR survive.
  • Be makulit and malambing.
Let your presence be felt. Be makulit. (I don’t know what’s this in English. Sorry.)

No, don’t call or email him every bloody chance you get. Be makulit in an adorable, malambing (sweet / romantic) way.

The key is to let him feel that you’re always there, thinking of him. If you miss him, don’t wait for him to make the move. Call him.

Since you don’t have the luxury of touch, to reach out and simply hold his hand for a while, tell him you love him whenever you feel like saying it. You have the license to get all mushy and corny.
  • Do exciting things together.
Emails, phone calls or IMs can get bland so try to reinvent.

Defy the distance. Do things together like watch the same movie or TV show simultaneously, YouTube videos, etc. Here are some activities that LDR couples can do from a distance.
  • Take advantage of the benefits.
Oh yes there are benefits...

You get to be involved in an intimate relationship while still retaining your personal space.
You get to have more time for yourself, time for your friends and time for  personal pursuits.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder – you always have something to look forward to.
You actually get to really miss each other.
You may not have a lot of time to be together but the time you get to have becomes extra special.
  • Beware of overhyping your next reunion.
Almost always both of you have high expectations about your next reunion. Especially if it’s been such a long time, months or even a year since your last one. Then when you see each other again you may find there are awkward silences or even arguments. You will feel disappointed, frustrated that the reality is not matching up to the lots-of-floating-pink-hearts fantasy.

You can prevent this by making sure you’ve talked beforehand about how you want the reunion to be. Set realistic expectations. It is expected that you are both excited to see each other again, but just don’t overhype it. Remember, it may take time to get used to being around each other again.
  • Be optimistic.
Don’t zero in on the negatives, focus on the positives. Don’t listen to anyone who discourages you and says LDRs don’t work. Do redirect them to this blog and say hey there’s this couple who’s getting married after 3 years of LDR...

Point is, the whole point of this blog entry really, is that LDR is definitely doable. It can work out. As long as you’re both optimistic and determined that it will work out - it will.

Absence is to love as wind is to flame.
It extinguishes the weak and feeds the strong.

- Anonymous


Ria May said...

grabe! memorize man jud mga rates sa Skype ug Yahoo.

otsukare to you and Harley!

lgeorgia said...

Ngee gikan ra man na sa ila website...

otsukare samadeshita

reane said...

amen! totoo lahat ng sinabi mo te george. :)

congrats pala sa inyong 3yrs LDR! :)

deveykus said...

Very well said, lots of wisdoms and good advice there.

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